Our next AW Contributor is Katrina Megget, a freelance healthcare and adventure travel journalist (though more healthcare than adventure travel). She is currently attempting to climb 40 volcanoes by the age of 40 and wants to prove that self-doubt doesn’t have to hold you back from achieving your dreams.
Follow her via her blog – www.katrinamegget.wordpress.com and on twitter - https://twitter.com/KatrinaMegget
Several years ago, I was back in New Zealand for my younger brother’s wedding – the single, older sister who lived in London yet whose day job and bank account was severely feeling the effects of the recession. As master of ceremonies I gave a speech, mentioning how young my brother was to settle down in this day and age compared with our parent’s generation, adding that when my mother was my age (28) she was married with a child. To me it just seemed so young, especially when there was a whole world to explore.
A little bit later, as I watched people boogie on the dance floor, I said in passing to my nana how much fun it will be to watch my brother and his new wife open their wedding presents the next day and see what exciting gifts they had received. My nana’s response was not what I was expecting. With a slight drawl of disdain, she said: “Well dear, you know what you need to do to get wedding presents.” I was left stunned and feeling a little bit shunned by the remarks.
To add more humiliation to my singleton situation, my mother, several days later, announced she was setting up a “bottom drawer” for me – a drawer of fancy cutlery and table cloths – because I may not get the opportunity to have a wedding and wedding presents. Maybe I was being overly sensitive but I couldn’t feel more passed my use-by-date if I tried. I might add, this is the woman (who I love dearly), who said “well you are 25 now” when I mentioned I was moving to London for my overseas experience, clearly insinuating that time was ticking on.
I’m now 36 and still living in London. I’m happy to say I’m in a long-term relationship though he doesn’t see the point of marriage. It’s a concept a lot of people struggle with (myself included, if I’m honest). The thing is, as I’ve got older, the pressure to conform – to tick those boxes of job, house, marriage, children – doesn’t go away. I admit they are partly a societal construct but have also been self-imposed under the belief that this is what is expected.
It’s perhaps somewhat surprising then that I quit my rather well paid editor job almost two years ago (work/life balance was non-existent and I wasn’t happy), to take a 50% pay cut and go freelance – but more than that, to explore a new niche of writing (adventure travel) based on a more adventurous life of rock climbing and mountaineering. I was effectively starting from scratch – it didn’t fit with the tick boxes. But I didn’t care.
In those almost two years I have made an interesting discovery however – how influential my parents beliefs have been in driving the course of my life. I love my parents – they are the best parents in the world – but their subconscious expectations have led me down a certain path. I wasn’t allowed to get a tattoo because that might affect my job prospects (I now have two), I had to go to university and focus on being an academic (a technical institute was out of the question), journalism would be a good career choice because if I went freelance it would allow me to be flexible around having children. From a common-sense perspective, this is all dandy and the rational part of me accepts the arguments.
Now I have realised there is a new white elephant in the room – my parents are very uneasy about my choice of adventuring. I’ve so far been told off for almost being benighted in Snowdonia and my mother has made comments along the lines of “I feel sorry for his parents” and “I wouldn’t want to be his parents” in reference to adventurers who risk their lives. It’s the typical parent coming out, wanting their children to be safe – I get that – but at the same time it’s also a box, which puts limits on creativity, life experience and dreams. Furthermore, it inadvertently makes me question the choices I am making, raising doubts and propelling fears that I’m letting my parents down.
I think my parents would be horrified to know all this. They remind me almost weekly how proud of me they are. The irony is I know both my parents keenly felt the expectations placed on them by their own parents.
But it’s important to note in all of this that society (or your parents) does not define what your happiness is. Some people might be happy keeping up with the Joneses, slaving away at a job they are “content” with, in a life they are “comfortable” with. And who are we to judge? But many people want to break outside these constraints and define themselves from within, based on their own values and what works for them, even if this differs from society’s expectations.
And, fundamentally, as I have learnt, you don’t need society’s (or your parents’) permission to not toe the line. It might feel like you do – but you don’t. Only you can give yourself permission to strike out on a different path or allow you to chase your dreams. Once you recognise this, anything is possible.
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